SHPERFS
by oatpaw
Summary: Okay, no idea where this came from. But this my little friends is a masterpiece. I think. Probably not. I'm insane, by the way. WARNING: MAY CONTAIN EXCESSIVE AMOUNT OF GLITTER, COOKIES, NON-CANON THINGS, AND MATURE LANGUAGE. RATED T, BECAUSE I NEED MENTAL HELP. I'LL BE JUST AS SURPRISED AS YOU AT WHAT COMES OUTTA HERE.
1. They Have Swallowed Us Whole

***YAYSIES!* Here, my little cookie friends, is a spoof for your enjoyment. I still am not even sure what it might contain. Read at your own risk. There will be censored language, maybe not in this chapter, but in this story all together. Spelling and Grammar will not be correct. I will try not to use backspace unless you can not decipher what has been written. May contain spoilers if you have not read past The Last Hope. I dernt ern werriers (i dont own warriors at all but if i did maybe some ppl wouldnve have died in stupid ways) BTW: I will be just as surprised as you will at what comes out of my brain.**

"COOKIES!"

"CUPCAKES!"

"PANCAKES!"

"WAFFLES!"

"IMMA PRICKLY PEAR IMMA PRICKLY PEAR!"

every1 stopped and looked at graystripe. he was next to a cactus, eating a cactus, covered in cacti.

"IMMA PRICKLY...pear." graystripe looked down at his paws. in unison, everyone yowled "GRAYSTRIPE, GO SIT IN THE CORNER AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU DID."

after that, thunderclan went back to shouting twoleg foods at each other. but then, out of the blue uninvited, firestar came down from the sky singing adele songs. but once he landed, his starry figure turned a pale pink. he was embarrassed, if you couldnt tell. firestar cleared his voice, and went onto the high ledge. bramblestar came out of the leader's den and ran up to firestar, sobbing, "OH STARCLAN YOU'VE COME FOR ME FIRETSTRA IM HALLUCINATING ALREADY WHAT HAVE I DONE OH PLS NO I SWEAR I DONT LIKE WAFFLES DONT KIIIILLLLLLLL MMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

every looked at brambletsra. he was staring at firestar, and everyone was so shocked at bramblestar that no one payed attention to snowkit chewing on thornclaw's leg. thornclaw was being swallowed whole by the small kit, and no one cared. thornclaw was old anyways. and plus, snowkit wouldnt listen. by the time graystripe threw his waffles and prickly pears at firestar's ghost and the sobbing bramblestar, snowkit and dewkit had entirely eaten shadowclan, thornclaw, brakenfur, sandstorm, leafpool, squirrelflight, millie, daisy, and spiderleg. but no one cared. they were watching bramblestar as he hugged firestars leg and sobbed random things.

the first one to notice the absences was birchfall. birchfall made up an awesome, tasteful plan. this way, dewkit and snowkit would eat firestar, and everyone would notice. then, all of teh clanmates would notice birchfall and how he made them notice that there were evil cat-eating kits in thunderclan. birchfall was gonna save da day. that would make up for being a random backup character. so, birchfall looked into cloudtail's secret collection of glitter and sprinkles, and picked out a tasty can of red sprinkles. red matched firestar's pelt. if firetsar's ghost was gonna be eaten, it would be done so with style.

birchfall snuck over to the high ledge. he could still hear the chanting, "WAFFLES, COOKIES, CUPCAKES, PANCAKES, WAFFLES, COOKIES, CUPCAKES, PANCAKES, WAFFLES, COOKIES, CUPCAKES, PANCAKES,WAFFLES, COOKIES, CUPCAKES, PANCAKES, WAFFLES, COOKIES, CUPCAKES, PANCAKES, WAFFLES, COOKIES, CUPCAKES, PANCAKES,WAFFLES, COOKIES, CUPCAKES, PANCAKES, WAFFLES, COOKIES,CUPCAKES, PANCAKES, WAFFLES, COOKIES, CUPCAKES, PANCAKES,WAFFLES, COOKIES, Y U NO LIKE WAFFLES FIRESTAR, CUPCAKES, PANCAKES, WAFFLES, COOKIES, CUPCAKES, PANCAKES, WAFFLES, COOKIES, CUPCAKES, PANCAKES,WAFFLES, COOKIES, CUPCAKES, PANCAKES, WAFFLES, COOKIES, CUPCAKES, PANCAKES, WAFFLES, COOKIES, CUPCAKES, PANCAKES!"

there was a lot of chanting. birchfall decided that he needed to wear a disguise. no one could know that he made dewkit and snowkit and starkit eat firestar. where did starkit come from. no one knows. maybe tawnyspots decided to magically teleport starkit into the clan. you dont know who tawnyspots is (gasps) she was in bluestars prophecy. (gasp) you still have no idea who im talkig about do you well check the wikia im not explaining. because cats can read books and such yes it is incredibly interesting indeed.

so birchfall painted his fur into a shade of magenta, and glued some of cloudtail's secret glitter onto himself. then, he put on one of lionblaze's magical manly mustaches. the new birchfall crawlde out of da warriors den, and back to behind the highledge. to his luck, bramblestar was yet again sobbing about how firetsra was killed in probably the stupidest way possible and how tigerstar is a bad daddy and would like to kill the cat who took the rest of his catnip. graystripe was crying and hugging his prickly pear whilst rocking in feedle postion. firetsra was just staring at the sobbing bramblestar that was hanging onto his leg.

birchfall took his chance. he sprinted onto the high ledge and sprinkled tiny red sugar bits onto firestar. he ran off the high ledge and washed off his disguise of magenta fur cloudtails sparklez glitter and lionblazes manly magic mustache. but he kept the mustache. it was manly.

birchfall returned just in time to see dewkit sucking on firestars ear while snowkit chewed his leg. his own leg. birchfall had failed. snowkit had failed. firestar was being a girly girl and rampaging about dewkit's saliva running down his face while there was glitter stuck on his head and bramblestar hugged his leg crying and graystripe rocked in feedle position hugging his prickly pears. firetsra thought, _what has become of us? _so firetsra stopped his girly girl rampage, tore dewkit off his ear, pried bramblestar off his leg, and stole graystripes prickly pears. den, firestar shouted, "WHAT THE F*CK IS WRONG WIT Y'ALL?!"

all of thunderclan was silent. firestar had used forbidden twoleg language! thunderclan went on a rampage. cats yowled. cloudtail threw glitter and sprinkles. birchfall screamed and cried because no one saw him save da day. bramblestar rocked in feedle position sobbing more useless words. lionblaze was singing sweater weather. dovewig was fluffing up her new wig. she was oblivious to what was happening. dustpelt shook his pelt from the dust. more dust formed into his fur. eternally dusty foreva. briarlight activated tree powers and turned into the glow in the dark tree she was named after. firestar's ghost looked around. "You know, I think I'd be better off if I never visited ThunderClan again... StarClan is better." and with that, he floated up into the clouds foreva and eva leaving the phsyco thunderclan behind. that is when jayfeather came out. "OK, WHO ATE ALL THE CATNIP?!" everycat raised their paws. lionblaze looked down and whispered, "I may or may not have stolen it and dealed it out to all of the clans. We're gonna have a fun Gathering, aren't we?"

**THIS IS THE HONEST TRUTH. I have no idea what in StarClan I just wrote. Don't judge, I'm judging myself already. No idea where this came from, obviously not my brain. Maybe my foot. It's asleep anyway. **

**Let's see how many people can guess what references I used. Hint: Some are from Youtube, or random comics I found. Correct answers get a cookie.**


	2. Foxleap and Icecloud's Naming Ceremony

**Wow. Um, don't even ask... I am still trying to process what that last chapter was about. Anyway, I made this one shorter, yet just as funny, maybe funnier. Stars Foxleap, Icecloud, and Firestar before he was a ghost. Plus some songs who I don't know who wrote them. I'VE SAID TOO MUCH**

**but before you read...  COOKIE COUNT!**

**My references were made to...**

**_Youtube- Mama Tad's channel_**

**_Youtube- Firestar Doesn't Like Waffles_**

**_Comic off the internet- Briarlight's name translates to a glowing tree_**

**_Starkit's Prophecy- Starkit_**

**People who earn a cookie:**

**_A Castle Of Glass_ \- 1 cookie**

**And that's it. Y'all need to review, cuz I might eat all da cookies myself.**

**~~~Foxleap and Icecloud's Naming Ceremony~~~**

"From this day forward, Foxpaw, you will be known as..."

_*background music plays*_

*Foxpaw stares over-happily at Firestar*

**"Foxleap."**

_*music plays louder*_

_*strobe lights can be seen getting brighter...*_

_*in the distance, lyrics can be heard...*_

**_*WHAT DOES THE FOX SAY?*_**

_*Foxleap dances on High Ledge and sings*_

*RINGA DING DING DING DING DING*

*RINGA DING DING DING DING DING*

*RINGA DING DING DING DING DING*

**_*WHAT DOES THE FOX SAY?*_**

*WHA PA PA PA PA PA POW*

*WHA PA PA PA PA PA POW*

*WHA PA PA PA PA PA POW*

**_*WHAT DOES THE FOX SAY?*_**

_*Firestar stares at Foxleap weirdly*_

_*Foxleap is ashamed*_

_*music and strobe lights grow faint*_

_*Foxleap has left the High Ledge*_

_*Firestar looks at Icepaw hopefully*_

_Maybe this one won't be all sped,_ Firestar thinks, because Firestar knows current twoleg terminology.

"Icepaw, from this day forward, you will be known as..."

_*to ThunderClan's surprise, music and lights come back*_

**"Icecloud."**

_*Icecloud begins to sing in the beautiful voice she has hidden for so long*_

**"LET IT GOOOOO, LET IT GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, CAN'T HOLD IT BACK ANYMOOOOOOORE, LET IT GOOOO, LET IT GOOOOOOOOO, TURN AWAY AND SLAM DA DOOOR,"**

_*Firestar does facepalm*_

_*Firestar goes into his den, ashamed of the warriors his clan has mentored*_

**"I, DON'T CAAAARE, WHAT THEIR GOING, TO SAAAAAAAAY, LET THE STORM RAGE OOOOOOONNNNNNNNN"**

_*Lionheart has floated down from StarClan*_

_*Lionheart has successfully b*tch slapped Icecloud*_

_*Icecloud has stopped singing*_

_*Lionheart has also successfully b*tch slapped Foxleap, for the fun of it*_

_*Foxleap and Icecloud are now ashamed and need to go sit in a corner*_

_*there is no more music or lights*_

_*ThunderClan has left the area around High Ledge, ashamed of the warriors they have mentored*_

_*in the distance, or the leader's den idk, a whisper can be heard, possibly the voice of Firestar*_

"Great StarClan what did we ever do to you to deserve this?"

**Let's see how many people can review some references made here today. Any correct answers will receive one cookie. Cookies will be counted, again. **

**QOTD: If you have read the Ultimate Guide, what was your favorite section/profile?**


	3. Disco-taco-dancing-rave-gathering

**Ok. Like Lionblaze had said in the first chapter, it was gonna be one interesting Gathering. Here we go again... This is gonna be a long one. ((There are people named Erin Hunter. I am not. There is my disclaimer.))**

**But first... ****COOKIE COUNT!**

**((Cookie receivers are simply people who have reviewed. If you would like a cookie, pls review ideas or at all pls pls pls im not desperate maybe i am))**

**People with cookies:**

**A Castle of Glass: 1 cookie**

**Friday the 13th: 2 cookies**

**NOW HERE IS A RANDOM THING PLS READ IT**

so, twas a chilly night, the night of the gathering. as lionblaze had said, he had dealed out cat nip to the clans. he didnt even try to deny it. bramblestar was sniffling and walking through windclan territory towards the gathering island. you could practically see steam coming out of jayfeathers ears, because he was mad at something, like usual. probably lionblaze. but lionblaze was petting his magical manly mustache, trying to impress cinderheart, who was staring at him. his mustache wasnt manly. or magical. or a mustache. it was a squirrel.

the squirrel flew off of lionblazes face, and onto squirrelflight. that was probably the best sentence i have ever written. squirrelflight and the squirrel danced the tango, because the squirrel liked squirrelflight, because they had the same name, and squirrel was obviously squirrelflights fave prey.

they had reached the gathering island. riverclan was there, windclan was getting settled, and shadowclan was stumbling in on the tree bridge. a riverclan warrior, robinwing, was hysterically laughing for no apparent reason. but oh, yes, there was a reason. the fragrance of cat nip still lingered in the air. you could almost hear jayfeathers mental screaming.

dovewing ran over to tigerheart. being the perect little kitty she was, they were able to run around and do stuff and no one cared. so dovewing pulled out her pawphone and took a selfie with tigerheart, and tagged him. they already got a lot of likes.

bumblestripe was probably the only sane cat at the catnip fueled gathering. he refused to take lionblazes cat drugs, still paranoid from his D.A.R.E. classes as an apprentice. cloudtail was very convincing, and he had a bow tie, so bumblestripe had to listen. cloudtail had said, and he quotes, "DRUGGEHZ ARE NO NOS. BEH SAFE. NO CATNIP. STAY AWAY FRUM CREAM. DONT SNIFF GLITTER."

so bumblestripe pulled out his pawphone, bored. all of the other cats were being crazy, and bumblestripe didnt wanna be a part of it. he was what some would call a "weakling" or "rule follower". but graystripe said that was a good thing. always listen to daddy.

bumblestripe pulled up catagram. it was lagging really bad, and the wifi from the leaders' tree wasnt coming off in good signals. onestar and his macarena gang probably knocked it over. when catagram finally pulled up, his feed had to refresh. so bumblestripe took a look around the island. he saw mistystar almost crying from laughter. she was putting up a video on vine of blackstar limbo-ing with jayfeathers stick. jayfeather was crying. "PUT STICKY DOWN! THATS MY TIME TRAVELING DEVICE! NOOOOOO!" whitewater and snaketail were holding up the stick. suddenly, a majestical orb floated around jayfeathers stick, and strobe lights came on. bluestar, yellowfang, tallstar, raggedstar, oakheart, and russetfur came floating down from starclan and pulled down their #swaggy shades. a disco ball came down as more starclan cats that are not important enough to be named came down.

an ugly hairless cat poofed next to jayfeathers stick. he pulled down his #swaggy shades as well. but blackstar, poor blackstar, could only try and hide his nerdy glasses. all of the other leader were so cool. blackstar just wanted to be like them, but they said he was too white and nerdy. the hairless cat stared at the nerdy blackstar. blackstar shamefully padded away, clearing a path for the hairless cat to walk through. he walked right to bumblestripe. the cat said, "i am rock, and i rock. here my small friend, is some majestic wifi." bumblestripe couldnt see the cats face through his #swaggy shades. bumblestripe nodded respectfully. "thank you, rock, you rock, and so i am eternally grateful to you." yes. eternally grateful. rock lifted up his #swaggy shades and winked, before poofing away.

bumblestripe back down at his pawphone. catagram had finally loaded, and pictures of cats from the gathering made his phone constantly beep. his feed was overloaded! there were random videos and pictures of cats "hacking" each others pawphones. bumblestripe scrolled down. his finger, er, claw, got tired, and he let the feed roll in. his eyes widened at the sight of a single picture. dovewing had taken a selfie with tigerheart! and they already got 100 likes! bumblestripe sobbed, "DOVEWING (sob) Y U NO LOVE ME (sob) Y U LOVE TIGERHEART!"

that is when all of a sudden, through all da rave and party, there twas a noise! everycat stopped what they were doing, and formed a circle around the maker of this so called noise. IT WAS BLOSSOMFALL!

blossomfall was doing the worm. everycat in the circle formed around this worming cat was cheering her on. except millie. millie is an awful parent. no one likes millie.

it started raining tacos. all of da cats were ecstatic to see the majestical wonders of taco-rain. they opened their mouths, closed their eyes, and enjoyed the taco-rain while it lasted. shell, meat, lettuce, and cheese, topped off with some sour cream from berrynose. berrynose used to love tacos. but now he likes berries. hes stupid, because he likes berries more than tacos. what kind of species is he even if he doesnt like tacos? and plus also, cats are carnivores, and since berrynose likes berries and is trying to turn thunderclan vegan, he is no longer going to be considered a cat.

the disco-taco-dancing-rave-gathering turned out to be a blast. the only people unhappy were millie, jayfeather(blackstar broke da stick), and bumblestripe. luckily, being the fangirl that the authoress is, needs to make jayfeather happy in order for this to be a good story. millie can stay unhappy because she is an awful cat. i dont like millie. bumblestripe can stay unhappy just because he will be happy later, when the authoress admits she ABSOLUTELY HATES TIGERXDOVE WITH PASSION.

a blinding light broke out among the disco-taco-dancing-rave-gathering. no one was blinded besides millie, though, because they all had on their #swaggy shades. all of the cats, and whatever berrynose is, sighed, "Woah, it's so beautiful." one cat yowled, "DON'T LOOK INTO THE LIIIGHTTTT!" you could hear another cat, maybe tallstar because he needs to be here for reasons, reply, "I CAN'T HELP IT, IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL!" many cats and berrynose oohed and ahed, all heading toward the blinding light that didn't blind them because they had #swaggy shades on. except millie. millie can be blind for all the authoress cares. then, a majestical shape appeared! it was a she-cat that is very important, back from the dead, and this story **will be continued because im very evil and need to leave this on a cliffhanger! have fun!**


	4. One-eye's Tale

**Ok. So this is how this shizzle is gonna go down. I'm going to post a chapter that makes sense(not really). After that chapter is going to be a short story or flashback. The chapters that *air quote* make sense *air quote* will be set in order, and things will flow. The chapters after those will be COMPLETELY random and out of place. Yeah, that seems about right. So chapter one flows with chapter three, and chapters two and four(this one) are going to be random, because I just so happen to have that idea at that moment. Also, being evil and all, you all need to wait for the next update for me to unveil that cliffhanger. You're welcome. *an evil cackle can be heard* ((There are many people named Erin. That is not my name. There are many people with the last name of Hunter. I am not one of those people.))((no longer doing Cookie Count. I'm lazy.))**

* * *

**How Did You Lose Your Eye? **

**A short story, told by One-eye. **

graypaw, ravenpaw, firepaw, dustpaw, and sandpaw sat down by the elders' den.

"One-eye, how did you lose your eye?" firepaw asked.

graypaw face-pawed. not _this_ story again.

**"Well, youngster, I kept sleeping with my eyes open."**

the four apprentices stared at One-eye weirdly.

**"I'll tell you about the day I lost it."**

now ravenpaw was making gagging noises. nice job, firepaw.

**"I was out and about in the forest, me old limbs still movin'. A warrior. Innocent, carefree. Oh but how that changed."**

graypaw snored loudly. firepaw was interested. dustpaw already left. sandpaw had a disgusted face on. ravenpaw was being forced to listen by the oh-so-lovely tigerclaw. and by forced i mean tigerclaw unsheathed his claws and dug them into ravenpaw's shoulders, pushing him down to the floor, all sprawled out.

**"One day, I was just taking mah sun-high nap, ya know, near Sunning Rocks. And mah eyes were-a burnin'!" **

by this time, tigerclaw fell asleep, ravenpaw ran away, dustpaw and sandpaw were gone, and graypaw was still asleep. firepaw looked intrigued.

**"They were a-firing up! Mah eye decided he had enough, and couldn't take the heat no more. So he-a slithered outta his little eye-hole-place,"**

firepaw was looking green in the face, but kept listening. graypaw let out a loud snore once more. "Heavy sleeper," firepaw murmured.

**"and he-a dropped to tha ground! Just like dat! We had a old Fetha whiska look at mah condition, and I had-a one eye left. Mah otha eye liked his eye-hole-place just fine. Then a-Bluestar changed mah name to One-eye. I neva slept wit mah eyes, or mah eye, open again."**

**"Lesson learnt, young grasshoppers."**

* * *

**Wow. Um. What was that. Uh. I can't explain, but what I _do_ know, is that I need mental help. Please. **


	5. oh boy

lol ok so this account is an embarrassment these stories are awful and so 2012. the concepts were... alright... so i might actually rewrite one or two of the good ones. i need 2 practice my writing lmao dont worry tho i have improved drastically.


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